I was up at 1:30 a.m. today.

Not because I wanted to. I had a bad dream and woke with such a start that I couldn’t get back to sleep. I ended up sitting in my grandmother’s rocker for over an hour. In the dark. Rocking. Thinking. Listening . . .

For months I’ve been struggling. Most people who have a relationship with the Creator of Heaven and Earth talk to him. I’m tired of doing that. Have been for over a year. I’ve been trying to hear him, not talk to him.

It’s hard. Much harder than you’d think. I usually end up talking to him, falling asleep or just giving up. It’s been frustrating.

I thought I was on a solitary crusade.

This afternoon I read Perry Noble’s blog. Imagine my surprise:

I don’t want to talk to God more…I want to listen to Him!!!  I spend WAY too much time talking to God, telling Him what I want Him to do.  I want to listen…to hear His voice.  I want His voice to be as real to me as anything.  I know that if I am going to be successful as a husband, father and leader that I need HIS direction.  I want to spend more time in Scripture, seeking the mind of Christ.  I say it all the time–but no one EVER screws up when they follow Christ!!!

Whoa! Sounds like he’s been reading my mail. But, he’s nailed my sentiment.

It wasn’t much solace at 1:30 this morning, though.

Things. Thoughts. Brazil weighs heavily on my conscious and subconscious thoughts — the children’s eyes, the mothers’ desperation, the fathers’ apathic and surrendered dreams and the vision, the stupid vision of reaching hundreds of thousands in that desolate place. Lifepoint’s outreach into a community that doesn’t know who the real Life Giver really is continually invades my thoughts, keeping me awake at nights. People who come into my office, who call me on the phone, people who have no hope, people who are desperately seaching…and it was me that they found. Twisted.

He knows all of this and doesn’t need me to tell him. He knows my heart, my desire, my frustration, my failure to do anything about it. I need to hear from him. He’s been whispering through his Word. Judges and John have been his fodder for the last week or so. He’s spoken volumes.

But during the early morning hours today my thoughts screamed louder than my ability to be quiet and listen. Like the sound of waves breaking on the shore, the faces crashed into my consciousness. All I could manage was “help.” Not an exclamation nor a complaint. A simple, “I can’t do it. Help.”

“It’s not your problem. Listen.” Interesting.

I read the first chapter of Ruth and found this: “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. 

Hmmm. This chasing after God is more complicated that I first imagined.